The Art of the Apology - How to express genuine guilt and regret.

Over the Thanksgiving holiday, I said something hurtful to someone I care about. It got me thinking about how to make a genuine apology, and the emotional obstacles that stand in the way of saying "I'm sorry."

Nobody likes to admit he or she is wrong, for starters. Most of us want to believe we're sensitive and that it's other people who are the problem. Also, the guilty feelings that come with recognizing you've hurt someone else, along with the shame you feel when you see yourself behave badly, aren't easy to tolerate. Typically we'll try to defend against those painful feelings by justifying ourselves.

In my own case, I noticed I kept telling myself that the hurtful thing I'd said was actually true. I would focus on the other person's irritating behavior; although I never told myself so in these exact words, the implication was that he deserved to be told. Repeated self-justification, in the form of mental "arguments" in which you keep trying to convince yourself or somebody else that you're in the right usually mean just the opposite. Eventually I recognized my fault.

So how to apologize? Here is my cardinal rule for how to frame an apology: genuine apologies never contain the words "if" or "but." For example, never say, "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings," or "I apologize for being insensitive, but such-and-such happened earlier ..." Those words have the effect of rescinding the apology by either calling the injury into doubt or assigning true responsibility elsewhere. I've often heard people tell me, "I'm sorry if I came across too strong in what I said to you," or something similar; those apologies always felt half-hearted. I notice that once I decide I've done something wrong and begin to frame an apology, "if" or "but" always appears in the first draft.

Second, keep it simple and straight-forward then step back. I've heard other advice which holds that any genuine apology must include the asking of forgiveness. I completely disagree. In those cases where I've been hurt and eventually received an apology, even in those rare cases where it did not contain the word "if" or "but," by the time the person apologized I was too angry to offer genuine forgiveness in the moment. It takes a while for an apology to sink in; you have to leave the person room to get over feeling angry with you for the hurt. Besides, asking for forgiveness demands something of the other person -- that he or she immediately exonerate you by putting an end to your feelings of guilt and shame. By asking for forgiveness, you once again shift responsibility off your own shoulders.

An apology should be a completely one-sided communication, an acknowledgement of guilt and regret on your side, asking nothing in return. You don't have to grovel. Just give your apology and accept that it may take time to repair the damage. If we've done or said something especially hurtful, we may have seriously scarred the relationship. I recall one friendship that I permanently damaged by telling the truth in a deliberately hurtful way (although I didn't recognize it at the time) and then offering an apology that included the word "if."

Tolerating real, possibly lasting guilt and regret are part of tendering a true apology.

Try it yourself and make a genuine apology. For most of us, it shouldn't be too difficult to identify bad behavior on our part. Feel your resistance to owning up, listen for the self-justifications. Try to isolate the other's person's behavior or any contributing factors from your own misdeeds; take full responsibility for the hurt you inflicted.

Frame your apology, beginning with the words "I'm sorry," then edit it carefully. Make sure not to include the words "if" or "but"; make no reference to anything the other person did that might qualify your statement of regret.

Then step back and leave the other person alone with your apology. Don't demand forgiveness. Accept that you may have to live with guilt and regret despite having apologized.

What Happen If Narendrabhai Modi fail in this Election ?

Universal Perspectives Of Organizational Design

Organization Design is a formal, guided process for integrating the people, information and technology of an organization. It is used to match the form of the organization as closely as possible to the purpose(s) the organization seeks to achieve.

Universal Perspectives

The Bureaucratic Model

Max Weber, a German sociologist, conceptualized the idea of bureaucracy. A bureaucracy is a form of organizational structure in which people can be held fully accountable for their actions because they are required to act in accordance with well-specified and agreed-upon rules and standard operating procedures. Basic Elements of the Bureaucratic Structure are:

• formal rules and behavior bounded by rules
• uniformity of operations continuity despite changes in personnel
• functional division of labor based on functional specialization
• rational allocation of tasks
• impersonal orientation
• membership constitutes a career
• promotion based on technical competence
• limited discretion of officers
• specific sphere of competence
• legally based tenure
• employment based on merit-no ascribed status
• qualifications tested
• proscribed authority-legally defined

The Behavioural Model

This model has evolved from the Human Relations School of management thought. In this model the performance of an organization is believed to depend on human beings, their behaviour, characteristics and their mutual relationships emerging from work patterns and organizational settings. The important factors which play significant roles are needs, motivations, attitudes, values, leadership, group behaviour, perceptions, communications, responsibility and authority relationship, etc. In other words, the behavioural models of organization design reflect the social and psychological implications of organizational life. The most popular behavioural models of organization design— the socio-technical systems theory and Likert’s System 4 Organization.

Contingency Approach

The contingency approach to organizational design tailors organizational structure to the sources of uncertainty facing an organization. The structure is designed to respond to various contingencies- things that might happen and therefore must be planned.

According to Contingency Theory, the structure of an organization depends on the circumstances at any given time. The key contingency variables addressed in the literature include:

• strategy
• ability to adapt to the environment
• technology and
• size

People become aware only at the time of death of what they have missed, because death comes like a fisherman, pulling you out of the ocean of life. As you are pulled out of life, suddenly you realize, “My God! I have been alive, and I never became aware of it. I could have danced, I could have loved, I could have sung — but now it is too late.” People become aware only at the time when they are dying, that they have been continuously surrounded by the eternal energy of life, but they never participated in it. Your daily life is your temple, and your religion. Act in awareness, act consciously, and naturally many things will start changing.

What Are The 10 Best Days Of Your Life?

If someone asked you to describe the 10 best days of your life, how would you answer?

Most people start off listing the days their children were born, the day they got married, and other other big milestone events.

But once you get past the top 4 or 5 things, the days that people cite as their “best” days are usually quite ordinary, days spent with family and friends, doing enjoyable, yet average things like picnics or swimming.

Think about your 10 best days, what are the best memories imprinted in your brain?

Most of the time, we don’t even realize that we’re experiencing one of our best days while we’re having it. It’s only when we look back that we realize how happy we were.

A few years ago my daughter and I were on a trip together when got the news of a dear friend’s passing. We got the news via email. We were out of the country, and there was nothing we could do at the moment. We couldn't even call the family.

My daughter and I spent our dinner that night discussing the fleeting nature of life. That’s when I came up with the “What were your 10 best days?” question.

My daughter cited some of her best days as the day she learned to ride a bike and a day we spent at the lake with my parents.

As I looked at my dear daughter across the table, I realized, today is one of my 10 best days.

I was a little embarrassed to say it out loud. But I thought of our friend and how many seemingly ordinary moments of his life did he later realize were special.

So, filling up with emotion, eye brimming over, I looked her straight in the eye said, “Today is one of my 10 best days.” To my surprise, she got teary eyed herself.

It was a rare instance for me; I actually recognized the beauty of a moment while I was still in it.

I once read a story about a soldier in a POW camp who kept himself sane by remembering a glorious spring day as a kid, when he and his siblings along with their parents, and the neighbor kids with their parents, spent a wonderful afternoon flying kites. The adults had been uncharacteristically lured away from their usual Saturday chores because the weather was fine, and the kids were having such a grand time.

The soldier assumed he was the only person who remembered the day so vividly. Yet years later he discovered that everyone else, young and old, remembered the day just as fondly as he did.

One woman, who was a child the day they flew the kites, described a scene years later when her own young daughter was begging her to go the park. The busy mother declined, saying she had too much work to do. But then her mother, who was sitting in the room listening, said wishfully, “It’s a beautiful day, it reminds of that day we flew the kites.”

The younger mother paused, as the emotions of the long ago kite-flying day returned. She put aside her work, grabbed her daughter’s hand and headed for the park.

Here’s the thing about those 10 best days, they're even more fun if you stay fully present while you’re experiencing them.

- Deepak Bhatt, 11:16 a.m.

Post-hoc Management

Although not an 'official' management theory, what can be called 'Post-hoc management' is practiced widely on a daily basis around the world and most people will instantly recognize it. It is very common in small companies where there are few formal systems and where there is a general autocratic style. It also appears in larger organizations where results take precedence over rules or where politics leads to impression management being a primary activity.

Principle

The basic principle of post-hoc management is that, as judge and jury, the manager is always right and never to blame. In this way they can remain secure in their job.

Vague objectives

The first sign of post-hoc management is a vague start to work, typically with unclear and general objectives. If the manager is asked for clarity, they will typically say something like 'you're the expert' or 'this is why we employ you', with the implication that not knowing what indicates a lack of competence on your part. This can be endemic in an organization where it happens all the way up the management tree. The edict 'Managers must manage' is a typical statement by a more senior person that essentially implies that you are on your own.

Wise in hindsight

Being right means judging others after the fact, where 20-20 hindsight allows them to conclude what should have been done. It places the manager as a wise expert who cannot be challenged. In fact the manager actually uses the respect required by their formal position as a substitute for the true respect engendered by expertise. Their seniority thus acts as a protective wall and any challenge to their expertise is reinterpreted as an attack on their rank, which they can repel with accusations of insubordination.

One way of recognizing the post-hoc manager is the phrase 'Why didn't you...' Their suggestions usually sound reasonable but do not take into account time limitations and the myriad of other things that could have been done. Most work planning includes decisions not to do a lot of things that would make sense if you had the time, but get prioritized out by the greater importance and urgency of other work.

If you are always right then others are always wrong and the post-hoc manager often bemoans how they are surrounded by fools. Yet this also makes the manager feel clever and superior, and they seldom seek to employ people who are better than them. This sometimes does happen by accident when a good person slips through the mediocre net, but the frustrations caused by post-hoc management often means that the best people quickly understand the problem and move on as soon as possible.

Critical benefits

The post-hoc manager also benefits from the 'critic effect', whereby people who criticize are seen as being more intelligent that those who propose creative solutions. The manager may be creative too, but does it in a way that protects them from blame. For example they may make various interesting suggestions as to what should be done, which puts the other person in the double bind that if they do not follow the manager's suggestions then, if things go less than perfectly the manager will blame them for not taking up the idea. If they implement the idea and it works then the manager can take most of the credit, whilst if it fails then the manager can blame them for a poor implementation or say 'It was only an idea, effectively suggesting that you are incapable of developing your own ideas.'

Whilst not an official management theory, Post-hoc management is sadly an all-too-frequent reality. It reflects the human condition and the need for control, safety and status that often take priority over values that require integrity and concern for others.

“શ્રદ્ધા, આત્મ વિશ્વાસનું ભરપુર સાહસ એટલે કેપ્ટન ગોપીનાથ”

માણસમાં હિંમત, શ્રદ્ધા અને કંઈક કરી છુટવાની ઈચ્છા હોય તો એની ઉડાનને કોઈ પણ અવરોધ નડતો નથી અને આજ સફળતાની નવી ઉડાનના માલિક છે કેપ્ટન ગોપીનાથ. આજથી બરાબર ૧ વર્ષ પહેલા એક પુસ્તક મેં મુંબઈ એરપોર્ટ ઉપરથી લીધેલું હતું અને તેનું નામ છે - સિમ્પલી ફ્લાય.

કર્ણાટકના એક નાનકડા ગામડામાં જન્મ લઈને કેપ્ટન ગોપીનાથે આજે સિદ્ધ કરીને બતાવ્યું છે કે જીવનમાં હાર અને ગુલામી કરતા પ્રયત્ન કરવો તે સ્વાભિમાનને પણ ટક્કર મારે તેવું છે. તાજેતરમાં કેપ્ટન ગોપીનાથનું એક પુસ્તક મારા હાથમાં આવ્યું કે જેનું નામ છે - સિમ્પલી ફ્લાય. આ પુસ્તક એ કોઈ મેનેજમેન્ટનું જ્ઞાન કે સિદ્ધાંતો પુરા પાડતું નથી પરંતુ કેપ્ટન ગોપીનાથની જીવનનો એક ઉતર-ચડાવ દર્શાવે છે.  ભારતની સૌ પ્રથમ સૌથી સસ્તી એરલાઈન બનાવીને કેપ્ટન ગોપીનાથે વિશ્વ વિક્રમ રચ્યો હતો. પથમાં કેટલાય પત્થરો આવતા ગયા અને કેપ્ટન ગોપીનાથ તેમને દુર કરતા રહ્યા અને સિદ્ધ કરીને બતાવ્યું કે જીવનમાં એક વખત હાર કબુલ્યા પછી પણ તમે બીજી વખત જીતી શકો છો.

તેમનું પુસ્તક સિમ્પલી ફ્લાય એ નવા ઉમેદવારોને આગળ વધવાની અને તેમનામાં જુસ્સો પ્રગટાવવાની એક તક આપે છે. આ પુસ્તક તેમના અને વિજય માલ્યાના અંગત જીવન વિષે પણ થોડી માહિતી આપે છે. જયારે જયારે પણ કેપ્ટન ગોપીનાથ અલગ અલગ મેનેજમેન્ટ સંસ્થાઓમાં પોતાના વ્યક્તવ્યો આપવા જાય છે ત્યારે તેઓ સફળતાની ઉડાન કે મેનેજમેન્ટના પાઠ ભણાવતા નથી પરંતુ એ સમજાવે છે કે કોઈ પણ વસ્તુમાં પ્રયત્નશીલ બનીને જુસ્સો કેમ જાળવી રાખવો. સાગર ખેડું તો માત્ર એક વખતમાં એક જ મોતી શોધી લાવે છે પરંતુ એકસાથે દસ મોતી લાવે તો તેને સાચી સફળતા કહેવાય. કેપ્ટન ગોપીનાથના કિસ્સામાં પણ એવું જ બન્યું અને સરકારી હિસાબો અને ગંદી રાજનીતિનો ભોગ બન્યા અને પોતાની એરલાઈન એર દક્કેન ને ભારી ખોટ સાથે વહેચી દેવી પડી.

કેપ્ટન ગોપીનાથ જણાવે છે કે આ જગતમાં કોઈ પણ વસ્તુની ગેરંટી કે વોરંટી નથી છે તો  માત્ર એ તમારો કામ કરવાનો જુસ્સો અને પ્રયત્ન. મોટા ભાગનો સમય કેપ્ટન ગોપીનાથ ખેડૂતો સાથે જ ગાળે છે કારણકે તેમને તે કામમાં મજા આવે છે અને એક આનંદની લાગણી અનુભવે છે. નવી નવી નોકરીઓની તક ઉભી કરવી એ કેપ્ટન ગોપીનાથનું એક અવિભાજન અંગ બની ગયું છે. તેમના મત અનુસાર ભારતની મોટાભાગનું અર્થતંત્ર એ નાના નાના ગામડામાંથી જ આવે છે અને તેઓને પુરતી તક મળતી ન હોવાથી તેઓ આજે આગળ વધી શકતા નથી.કેપ્ટન ગોપીનાથનું હવે પછીનું કામ એ નાના નાના ગામડાના લોકોમાં જુસ્સો પ્રગટાવીને તેમને ધંધાકીય પ્રવૃતિથી જોડાવાનો છે.  આજનો યુવા વર્ગ એ પબ અને ક્લબ માં જોડાયેલો છે તેને ખ્યાલ નથી કે તેમનામાં કેટલી અપાર શક્તિઓ રહેલી છે અને આ જ શક્તિઓ તે જગાડવા માટે તેઓ લક્ષ્ય સિદ્ધ થયા છે.

એક મજાની વાત તો એ છે કે એર દક્કેનમાં દરેક એર હોસ્ટેસો નાના નાના ગામડામાંથી આવેલ છે કે જે એક આશ્ચર્યની વાત છે.આખી કંપનીની મૂડી એ લોકોનો આત્મવિશ્વાસ અને તેમનામાં રહેલી શ્રદ્ધા ને પ્રજવલિત કરવાનો છે. દરેક માણસમાં એક અપાર શક્તિ રહેલી છે અને તે શક્તિનો યોગ્ય સ્થળે ઉપયોગ થાય તે જ ધ્યેય માણસના જીવનનું હોવું જોઈએ.

તાજેતરમાં જ પ્રસિદ્ધ થયેલા સમાચાર મુજબ કેપ્ટન ગોપીનાથ હવે ગુજરાતમાં સૌથી સસ્તા દરે એરલાઈન ચાલુ કરે છે. કેપ્ટન ગોપીનાથનું નવું સાહસ છે 'દક્કેન ચાર્ટર' કે જે દિવસના ૪-૫ ઉડાનો ભરવા સક્ષમ રહેશે તેમાં અમદાવાદથી જામનગર, સુરત, રાજકોટ, પોરબંદર રહેશે. આ ઉડાનો એ આગામી સમયમાં જાહેર કરવામાં આવશે.

કેપ્ટન ગોપીનાથનું આ પુસ્તક તમે ઓનલાઈન હોમશોપ-૧૮ ઉપર પણ ઓર્ડર કરી શકો છો તેની કિંમત છે રૂપિયા ૨૩૫/-. આ પુસ્તક તમે નજીકના બૂક સ્ટોરમાં જઈને પણ ખરીદી કરી શકો છો પરંતુ એમની કિંમત થોડી વધી જશે જેમ કે ક્રોસવર્ડમાં આ પુસ્તકની કિંમત છે રૂપિયા ૩૫૦/-, લેન્ડમાર્કમાં ૨૩૪/-., ફ્લીપ્કાર્તમાં રૂપિયા ૨૪૫/-. 

તો ચાલો મિત્રો હવે આ નવી ઉડાનની સફર કરીએ કેપ્ટન ગોપીનાથના આ પુસ્તકથી..

લેખક વિશે: આઈ આઈ એમ કલકતા અને આઈ આઈ એમ અમદાવાદના ગ્રેજ્યુએટ હોવાની સાથે સાથે દિપક ભટ્ટ એક પ્રખર વક્તા પણ છે. તેઓ મોટી મોટી કંપનીઓમાં મેનેજમેન્ટના સલાહકાર તરીકે કાર્યરત છે. ગ્લોબલ મેનેજમેન્ટ એ તેમનું એક નવું સાહસ છે કે જે અમદાવાદથી કાર્યરત છે. તેમને સંપર્ક કરવાનું માધ્યમ છે – deepak@managementthinker.com, મોબાઈલ નંબર - ૯૪૨૬૨-૨૯૪૨૯